Breathe
by Therianthropicy
Summary: Takes place during 4x07. Stiles still isn't over the Nogitsune and when faced with the barrel of a gun, he wants to die and give himself up to save his friends. Fortunately for him, Scott's dad shows up.
1. Chapter 1

Stiles stared straight at the barrel of the gun and slowly pushed his forehead forward.

"I don't care if I die." He said and looked the chemist straight in the eye.

"You have no idea what I've done. What terrible things I've done to people. To my friends! It would be fine by me to die saving them, one last time." The chemist hesitated and began counting.

"One...Two.." All of a sudden a bang rang out and Stiles flinched. He felt blood splatter on his face, but felt no pain. He heard a thud and then opened his eyes. The chemist was on the floor, with a bullet wound in the middle of his head. Stiles looked up at the shooter.

It was his best friend's dad. Scott's dad.

"Stiles, buddy. You've got some explaining to do…" He walked forward and pulled Stiles arm and lead him out of the room.

"Don't look." Stiles looked up at him again and nodded.

"Um. What are you doing in here anyway Mr. McCall? There's a quarantine!" Stiles said. Of course the sickness wasn't going to kill any humans, but the CDC didn't know that yet.

"Everyone seems to be recovering fine. They think it's just a weird virus. They're still checking people out, but I had to get in here and see what was going on." Stiles let out a fake sigh of relief.

"Well that's good! Everyone's fine. No one died. I better get going, I need to find Sco-" Mr. McCall grabbed him by the shoulder.

"Stiles." He looked him in the eye and addressed him. "Do not act like nothing happened back there. I saw what you did, and I heard what you said. Do not try to say it was nothing or it was just a ploy. We both know it wasn't." Stiles fidgeted in his hold.

"Sir. It's nothing really. Please… Don't tell my dad."

"Stiles! The hell I will! You can't keep this all bottled up inside. You can't keep beating yourself up over something that was not your fault." Stiles exhaled.

"Okay."

"I don't care if you think he'll be ma- What? You're not going to argue with me?" Scott's dad looked shocked.

"No. I'm too tired. Let's go." He knew there was no point in putting up a front anymore. He already knew and before long the rest of the pack would know how he was feeling too. His Dad. Probably even Melissa too! Mr. McCall sighed and kept on walking toward the exit. As they passed the lockers Stiles anxiety began to rise.

What if they all think he's going crazy again? I mean he did just submit to being shot in the head and he didn't even care. At that moment he kind of wished the chemist had just finished him off before Scott's dad got there. It was a selfish thought, as it would hurt his friends but they would be better off without him. His breathing became labored and he stopped walking.

"Stiles? Buddy? You okay?" Of course he wasn't okay. He had almost been shot in the freaking head! He slowly lowered himself to the floor against the lockers.

"Stiles. Listen to me. It's just a panic attack. I need you to breathe with me, okay? You got it?" Scott's dad looked scared. That didn't happen often. Mr. McCall was always angry or super nice.

He never got scared.

Stiles put his head between his knees and listened to the sound of his best friend's dad talk to him. He was retelling all the good times Stiles and Scott had when they were younger.

"You remember that one time when you and Scott were playing in the sandbox at the park and you found cat poop and tried to eat it? Those were good times, weren't they?"

Stiles smiled and looked at him.

"Y-yeah, they were." He let out a shaking laugh.

"I don't know what's happening to me Mr. McCall. I feel like I'm still losing it even though the Nogitsune is gone." He dropped his head back into his knees and let the tears fall.

"Listen to me Stiles. You are not losing it. You've been through a lot in the past few months. No one expects you to be back at a hundred percent. You just have to work towards it, and not go on suicidal missions. Okay?" Mr. McCall held out his hand for Stiles.

He grabbed it and pulled himself up and hugged him.

"Thanks. I know things have been tough between you two, but you're a good guy." Mr. McCall hugged him back and then pulled away.

"Let's go find your dad and the others." They walked towards the doors once more and outside. Makeshift CDC tents had been set up and his dad was talking to a few men in hazmat suits.

"Dad!" He called. His dad turned around.

"Oh thank God, Stiles!" The Sheriff ran towards him and took in his bloodied face. "Dear God, what happened, are you hurt? Let's get you looked at…"

"Dad. I'm fine. It's not mine. It's the …" He stopped there. Mr. McCall put a hand on his shoulder. "I'll tell him. You go find Scott and the others, Okay?" Stiles nodded and hugged his dad again and then went on to find his friends towards the vault. He made his way to vault and let himself in.

"Scott? Malia?" He called. He heard coughing. They were still alive!

"Thank god you guys are still alive. I was thinking the worst there for a second." He exhaled again.

"We're fine, Stiles. Are you okay? You're covered in blood…" Scott took a step forward and hugged his friend.

"Oh it was nothing. Just the chemist tried to kill me and I almost let him" He said.

There was a silence. Everyone looked at him and stared.

"You did what?!" Scott roared.

"It wasn't a big deal, you know there was nothing I could do, the gun was to my head, and I couldn't exactly get away." He rambled on purposely not mentioning the part where he wanted the guy to shoot him.

"But you know the important thing is everyone's okay! Yeah!" He lifted his hands up and had a goofy smile on his face.

"Right?" He said again. Scott scowled at him and nodded. "I guess so." He could sense that there was something Stiles was keeping from him. Too bad for him, Stiles had no intention of sharing that with him anytime soon. But then of course his dad would probably tell Melissa who would then tell the pack. He was in for a lecture.

Just not right now. He couldn't take it right now. He just wanted to go home and shower the nasty blood off his face and go to bed, and preferably not wake up anytime soon.

"Well, since all of you are okay, I'm going home. I need a shower. Obviously, and I'm exhausted." He exaggerated a yawn and walked out.

He made his way out to his jeep hopped in and put the jeep in reverse and drove home. It was a long day. On the brightside, he didn't have to finish his test. When he got home he went straight to his room and showered. He let the warm water flow on his back until it ran ice cold. He couldn't seem to get the stench of blood off of him.

It reminded him of the nogitsune. He gagged and rushed out and emptied the contents of his stomach into the nearby toilet. He felt terrible. He wiped his mouth and headed to his bed slipping on some boxers as he went and left the world for a while.

When he woke up it was dark outside. He must have been sleeping for at least five hours. He heard rustling downstairs. His dad was home. He crept out of his bed and slipped on a T-Shirt and headed downstairs.

"Hey Dad," He said as he sat in a table chair.

His dad looked up from his paper.

"Son…" He looked at his son and Stiles swore he could see tears in his eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me you were feeling this way?' He said calmly, like the town sheriff he was.

"I didn't want to worry you dad. I know you were in a bad place thinking that I had mom's disease. I couldn't stand to see you hurting again. Me being sick was hell on you too."

"I don't care if it's hard for me, Stiles. You're my son. I'm here to help you and to listen to you when you need someone. Don't keep those feelings inside. At least tell Scott, or hell even Derek!" His dad sighed. "Just talk to someone. Even if it's not me. I know your old man isn't the greatest." He smiled trying to lift the mood a bit.

"No Dad, You're a good dad. I just didn't know what to do. I'll talk to Scott or Derek. I promise." Stiles actually meant it this time. He was tired of feeling like crap and keeping everything inside. Keeping secrets was what helped the nogitsune feed. He was done feeding that bastard. He sat and talked with his dad for a while and then went back to bed. In the morning, he'd talk to Scott and Derek.


	2. Chapter 2

Stiles woke up covered in sweat. It was still dark outside. He glanced at his alarm clock.

5:00 AM

"Dear God." He counted his fingers for good measure and got out of bed and began dressing for school. He had a ton of time to spare, but needed to keep his mind occupied. Anything to push the nogitsune out of his mind. He packed his school bag, threw it over his shoulder, and walked out of his room slamming it shut on his way out. He clomped down the stairs and left a note for his dad.

"Gone to Scott's! I'll see you tonight, Love Stiles." He headed for his jeep and put his keys in the ignition and drove to Scott's. He looked out the window.

How could he keep going like this? It seemed harder and harder for him to get up each morning. He couldn't seem to get a break. Week after week there's a new supernatural threat that puts everyone in danger and Stiles was sick of all his time being occupied by plans to not get killed.

Could he just get a week vacation from people trying to kill him?

Not really unfortunately. He pulled into the driveway and walked up to his door and tried to open it. Scott never minded if he popped in randomly, and his mom was probably already on her way to work by now. Melissa was just like his dad, working extra hard just to keep the bills being paid. The door wouldn't budge, even with his key.

"What the hell?" He mumbled. It was the key to Scott's house Scott made him a few years ago after Stiles had fallen and broke his leg climbing up the tree to get in. The door swung open.

"Stiles? What the hell are you doing here? It's 6 AM." Derek stood in his doorway eyeing him strangely.

"What the hell are you doing at Scott's house?"

"Uh...Stiles this is my apartment." Stiles looked around. Sure enough he was standing in the hall of the apartment building outside Derek's loft.

"What the…" Stiles stammered an apology.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't sleep well last night. I guess I wasn't paying attention while I was driving." Thank God he didn't hit a poor kid or anything.

"No it's fine. Come in. You look like you need to sit down for a moment. I'm not sure you should be driving anyway." Derek held the door open and waited for Stiles to enter the loft. He cocked his head to the side.

"No- I really need to talk to Scott."

"Stiles. You didn't just show up at my door at 6 AM for no reason. Just get inside before I decide to let you leave and potentially kill a kid on his way to school." Stiles shuffled in and put his head down as he headed for Derek's couch.

The room smelled like him. Like comfort, but a manly touch to it. If that even made any sense.

"So… What do you want?" Derek asked.

"Nothing. I don't know. Something." Stiles mumbled and counted his fingers silently in his head. He shouldn't be at Derek's. Derek definitely does not care what happens to him. Even if his dad still trusts Derek, He has bigger fish to fry than to listen to Stiles rant about his little problem sleeping and wishing he was dead. It's not like he was actively trying to kill himself or anything.

"Don't lie." Derek said.

"I'm just stressed out Derek. I can't sleep. But it's not that big of a deal. I'll get over it."

Derek looked at him blankly.

"Yeah and you thought it was not a big deal last time but it turned out to be an evil fox spirit, but whatever." He got up and went to the small kitchen and started a batch of coffee.

"I know it's not just the sleeping Stiles. That much is obvious. You've got bags under your eyes and you smell like anxiety. I may not have much of my senses, but I can still figure that much out. He poured himself a cup and traveled back to the couch.

"Dude, where's mine?"

"The last thing you need is coffee, Stiles." He wasn't wrong.

"What else is going on Stiles?" He asked again. Stiles looked at his fingers once more and counted them again. He sucked in a breath.

"I wish that the chemist killed me yesterday. He had the gun on my forehead, and I wish he would have shot me before Scott's dad showed up. I deserve to be dead after everything that I've done. Everyone is walking on eggshells around me. My own dad won't even tell me about all the bills he has!" He exhaled and whispered. "Allison would still be alive if it wasn't for me. I wasn't strong enough and that's what killed her." He choked on the last word and squirmed in his seat.

"Allison knew what she was getting into when she signed off on this. It wasn't your fault." Derek said softly.

"You are strong enough Stiles. You fought the nogitsune off. That's not an easy thing. Sure, some bad things happened but that wasn't you. It was the nogitsune. You are not to blame here."

"Then how come it hurts so much?" A sob escaped from his chest as he pulled his knees to his chest.

"It's been months, Derek. It still feels like he's in here you know." He pointed to his head.

"I still count my fingers. A lot." He admitted guilty. "It still feels so real."

"It will for a while. After the fire I felt like that too. I felt like it had just happened. I could still feel the heat from the fire on my skin. It was unbearable to the point where I left. But you know what? I got through it. Eventually. And you have one thing I didn't have." He looked at Stiles again.

"You have us." He got off of the couch and pulled a throw out of his closet and tossed it to Stiles.

"Here. Take a nap. You need one."

"I have to go to school, I don't have time - " Derek scowled at him.

"I don't care. You're not leaving." He held up his keys.

"You asshole." Stiles grabbed the throw and layed down on the soft couch.

"Don't worry, I'll call your dad. Probably Scott too."

"Okay." He pulled the throw tighter and allowed himself to drift off to a peaceful sleep.

As he slept Derek pulled out his phone and called the Sheriff

"Someone had better be dead Derek, I just got home not five hours I need some sleep."

"Stiles is at my place. He planned to go to Scott's before school but drove here without realizing it. I'm sure you wouldn't want him on the roads in this condition so I took his keys and he's on my couch fast asleep."

"Ah crap. Do you need me to come get him?"

"No, he's fine. Just leave him for now. He hasn't been sleeping. We should give him all the time he can get."

"Okay. Keep an eye on him for me will you? He's the only thing I have left." The sheriff said firmly. Not many things scared Derek, but an angry overprotective father who also happens to be the sheriff is one of them. Derek agreed and hung up. He sent a message to Scott letting him know Stiles was at the loft and to come over first thing after classes let out. He threw his phone to the side and looked at the sleeping figure on his couch. Stiles looked more relaxed than he had in, well, forever it seemed.

He hoped he would find a way to help Stiles.


	3. Chapter 3

When Stiles woke up he smelled soup boiling. He pushed his head into the pillow and inhaled the scent of chicken soup and something else… Derek? He opened his eyes and found himself on Derek's couch. In Derek's loft.

What the hell was he doing here? He scratched his head and yawned.

"Welcome back to the land of the living. You hungry?" The older man's voice called from the kitchen.

"No." He said, shaking his head and standing up. His stomach growled, betraying him. Derek raised his eyebrows.

"You sure about that?"

"Traitor." He whispered to his stomach and plopped back down on the couch. Derek went back to the kitchen and returned with a bowl of hot soup. He sat it down in from of Stiles and proceeded to do sit down himself and took a bite of his own.

"Talk to me." Derek said in between a spoonful and looked at him in the eyes. Stiles fidgeted and reached for the hot bowl, pulling it towards him and taking in the pleasant aroma.

"It's nothing. Really Derek. I just had a small breakdown this morning from lack of sleep. You know. Temporary insanity and all that fun stuff." He laughed nervously and took a spoonful of the soup.

"Oh God, this stuff is amazing. Are you like secretly a master chef or something?" He quickly took another spoonful and avoided the former alpha's downcasting eyes.

"It's soup. It's not that easy to screw up. Even you know that. Stop changing the subject." Derek narrowed his eyes at him and growled. Stiles looked back at him with the spoon dangling out of his mouth.

"You can't keep it bottled up inside. It'll explode sooner or later. It's better to do it now and control it." Derek said to him softly. "You can talk to me about it. I wasn't joking when I said that this morning."

Stiles took the spoon out of his mouth and looked down at the floor.

"I know wanting to die is a pretty stupid thing. I know that you guys forgive me and don't blame me for what happened with the nogitsune, but _I _blame myself. I feel like I can't live with myself anymore thinking like this. I have nightmares every night. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm pretty sure my dad's looking into sending me back to the Eichen house, and this time it's because I'm actually going crazy." His voice cracked.

"I can't do it anymore, Derek." He whispered. "Sometimes I wish I wasn't here."

Derek got up and grabbed Stiles pulling him into a tight hug. Stiles looking shocked just sat there with the older man's arms around him.

"You are _not _crazy." He said hugging him tighter. Stiles could hardly breathe. It was bone crushing, but at the same time, _comforting. _His dad hugged him like this all the time. Often times when he was sick, or sad. Stiles had gotten so use to hiding things from his dad recently though, he didn't get them as much as he use to. Stiles hugged Derek back and let the tears fall from his face.

"How do I get through it though Derek?" He asked.

"You talk to your friends. Or your dad. Or me even. We're always here for you. I know you've been avoiding talking to Scott about these types of things because of what happened to Allison." At her name Stiles flinched.

"Allison would forgive you too."

Stiles wiped his face on his sleeve and nodded. He wasn't quite sure about that yet, but it seemed like a good idea to agree with the wolf, rather than argue with him.

"Well. Finish your soup. Scott's coming over." Derek got up and walked into his kitchen and began cleaning up the mess he'd made while making the soup. Stiles finished up his soup and not ten minutes later the door to Derek's loft burst open revealing a very worried alpha.

"Stiles! Man, are you okay? Are you sick? You could have called me!" Scott walked over to the couch and propped his feet on Derek's coffee table.

"Scott. Feet off." Derek growled. Scott rolled his eyes and removed his feet.

"What's going on?" Scott asked Stiles, with a worried look on his face.

"Nothing. It's nothing. I just haven't been sleeping real well. Somehow ended up at Derek's this morning, so I crashed on his couch." Stiles stammered and avoided Scott's eyes. Derek

"Sure -" Derek coughed out from the other room as he finished up the dishes left over from the recent soup.

Stiles threw up his hand in a surrendering motion. "I'll tell you later, Okay?" He sighed and continued, "I don't want to talk about it again right now. I just told Derek. I'm tired." He laid his head on the armrest and closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing. He was on the verge of a panic attack. It seemed as if his heart would explode out of his chest at any second. Scott laid a hand on his arm and patted it. "It's okay. You don't have to talk about it right now if you don't want to, but -" Stiles saw that coming, there was always a catch with Scott. "You have to talk to me sooner or later. Okay?" Scott squeezed his arm. His heart beat slowed at how easily his friend gave up.

"Thanks." Stiles said and drifted off on Derek's couch once again. This time, sleeping peacefully with the knowledge that two of his closest friends were nearby and there for him.

When he woke up he heard the two werewolves talking in hushed tones in the other room. It was obviously about him, but since he didn't have werewolf hearing, he had no clue what they were saying. No doubt it was about how Stiles was losing his mind again and they'd better warn everyone that he was probably going to start killing people again.

"It's no use pretending to be asleep, Stiles." Derek called into the living room.

"Ah darn. You caught me." He walked into the other room and sat down in a chair and brushed his fingers through his hair. He smelled terrible, and probably even worse to Scott and Derek. He honestly didn't even care at this point though. He yawned again.

"This is the most sleep you've had in what, three months?" Derek asked him.

"Probably longer than that." He answered truthfully.

It seemed like he was always exhausted. He never had an appetite anymore, and the dark circles under his eyes made him seem like he was a racoon.

"Stiles!" Scott groaned and sat down next to his best friend.

"I gave you a break earlier, now you need to talk to me. Seriously. We're best friends. You don't have to be scared that I'm going to be mad, because I'm not. This isn't healthy. You're killing yourself."

Again, thought Stiles to himself.

"It's better than killing someone else." Stiles choked out and stared into Scott's face. The alpha immediately reacted by pulling his friend into a hug. These super strong hugs were going to end up breaking his ribs one of these days.

"That wasn't you. Allison -" He stumbled over her name. "She wouldn't want you doing this to yourself."

Scott took a breath.

"She knew it wasn't you, Stiles. We all do. I know you're still recovering and I know it's hard, but I can't lose you too." He choked on his words. Derek just stood there oddly in the kitchen. Out of place.

"Okay. Scott. I will try. Okay? I'll try to talk to you and Derek from now on, when I'm feeling bad. I'll try."

Derek and Scott both smiled at that.

"Okay." They said. It wasn't perfect, it probably wouldn't be for a while. It was going to be a battle for all of them. Even though the nogitsune had been dispelled from Stiles's body, it still wreaked havoc on Stiles' mind.

But there was nothing that they couldn't handle with each other.

"I called your dad earlier, he said you could stay here for a few days if you want. He thought it might be a better environment than at home to get some sleep." Derek said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah. I'd like that."

Scott smiled at them, "Well, I should get home. I've got a ton of homework, do you want me to pick up yours for you?" He asked.

"Yeah. Sure. I should probably get on all that…" He was probably months behind. He honestly could care less, but his dad would probably kill him if he didn't graduate on time. Scott left after giving Stiles one more hug and thanked Derek for taking care of Stiles. As the door shut behind Scott, the two friends exchanged glances, not sure of what to do next.

"Um. Do you think I could use your shower? I reek...and I'm sure you can tell." Stiles laughed a bit and smiled. Derek nodded, "Yeah, follow me." He walked off to another part of the loft, one Stiles had never seen.

Ever. It was kind of weird to think he'd be using the same shower that Derek used.

Oh God, he was going to use Derek's shampoo.

This was officially a little too weird for him. Derek led him to the bathroom and pulled open the door revealing a neat, but plain bathroom.

"I've got some spare toothbrushes and toothpaste under the counter. I can get you some clean clothes too. I'm not sure it'll fit you too well, but it'll have to do. The towels are under the sink as well. If you need anything, just holler." Stiles thanked him and shut the door behind Derek. He turned on the shower and removed his clothes, stepping into the shower felt like a sauna. It was so warm and had great water pressure. The werewolf had good taste. He shampooed his hair. "No wonder Derek always smelled so good, this stuff was amazing."

Stiles froze in the shower.

"I did not just say that." He laughed nervously and finished his shower. A knock erupted on the other side of the door.

"Uh, Yeah?" Stiles asked shyly.

"I've got your clothes. I'll just leave them out here, okay?" Derek dropped them outside the door and walked off. Stiles exhaled the breath he'd been holding in. Hopefully Derek didn't here Stiles previous comment about his choice of shampoo. He dried himself off and opened the door a crack, carefully and quickly grabbing the clean change of clothes. He pulled them on and examined himself in the mirror. He looked a little better. The dark bags under his eyes were still visible and his face looked hollow, but he felt better.

There was also the fact that he was clean now, so that helped a little bit too. Stiles left the bathroom to confront the wolf once again.


End file.
